Detailed Suggestions And Comments


feedback to the student on how to improve the final 1500-word draft. Your feedback should include in-text comments where appropriate as well as notes in the Feedback to Student box below. In your feedback comment on the areas from the list below. Refer to specific examples from the student’s writing, suggesting what and how the student needs to improve; include positive feedback. Response to the task Essay structure Academic language Cohesion & Coherence Use of sources you will be asked follow-up questions related to this task.


Response To The Task

Whereas any argumentative essay should have a clear arrangement of ideas that sum up to an argument, the writer never seems to have clearly organized the essay’s arguments, thereby causing the entire paper to be jumbled up with points. Because such essays generally have a linear structure, the writer could have begun with a clear statement of the main argument (thesis statement) then used the subsequent paragraphs to validate or support that argument. Besides, the writer has failed to adopt an appropriate structure for each paragraph. Particularly, instead of using each paragraph to state and explain separate points, this separation is not evident in most paragraphs, and this has affected the general coherence of the paper. In fact, in some instances, the writer explains two separate points within the same paragraph. Nevertheless, to develop and a proper essay stricture, the writer should consider separating paragraphs in terms of the points he/she may want to put across.

Academic Language

Generally, the writer has failed to use effective academic language in communicating his/her points. For instance, most of the writer’s points are not put across concisely. This is evident in the way the writer uses one sentence to communicate more than one idea, with some texts containing repetitions. Besides, the writer does not also appear to understand when to use passive or active voice in communicating the points. As highlighted in the comments below, the writer sometimes veers off from objective and impersonal tone, a phenomenon that makes the points appear in his/her opinion rather than statements backed by evidence. The writer has also written in plain language and failed to develop balanced writing, thereby presenting some points as facts even if they may not be facts. Instead, the writer should have used various stylistic devices such as hedges and boosters to ensure balanced writing. For example, the writer should have used boosters such ‘results indicate….’ Or ‘evidence shows that…..’ and hedges such as ‘sometimes…, usually…a possible explanation….’

The writer has somehow failed to effectively use in-text citations to reference the points he/she was trying to make. Whereas statements of mere facts do not need to be referenced, the writer has not referenced various allegations and points that are not mere facts. Ideally, this affects the credibility of his/her arguments and raises the question of plagiarism – a serious academic offense. Besides failure to properly reference the work, the writer has also failed to correctly punctuate the in-text citations i.e. consistent failure to separate the author's name with the year of publication.

Global Railway versus Air

Font: Calibri size 12 Spacing: 1.5 Margins: top and bottom 2.54 cm; left and right 1.91 cm Page Numbers: bottom right of the page Header: assignment statement, full name, and student number

written this work myself, and have not had any outside help, apart from my tutor not used a proofreading service, or digital software to check my work conformed with university regulations on academic integrity (more information in handbook); this includes not cheating, colluding, fabricating, personating, plagiarising, or deceiving included an accurate word count

Academic subject is a series of important course in middle school education system, such as English, Math, history, physics, chemistry, biology and so on. And there is another important part in the school course system, that is the practical subjects such as music and sports. It is also takes up students amounts of time during school days. Nowadays, there is a rather critical of the course curriculum adopted by most schools. Many people in society believe that schools should concentrate on teaching students academic subjects that will be useful for their future career, and that subjects such as music and sports are not useful. Schools have an important role to play in how to balance the relationship between academic and non-academic courses. Curriculum design affects the way teachers teach and students learn. According to professor Skilbeck considers that the possible roles of school in relation to social and political change. He thinks that ‘Schools can swim with the tide, seek to preserve value elements from the past, carry on with their own preoccupations irrespective of the world outside, or attempt to anticipate future social developments and, as far as possible, influence then’. (Skilbeck,1975:27). However, many schools cancel the practical courses due to improve the college-going rate. Actually, this approach will influence and limit students’ future development. To make a suitable curriculum in school is very important to students, this essay will show that While schools concentrate on teaching students academic subjects,they also need to recognize the importance of non-academic course,such as music and sports. Schools should definitely include such course in the curriculum because they can be equally valuable for the students' future career.The effect and function of academic and non-academic courses will discussed and the important of schools have practical subjects will be argued. Only curriculum in secondary school will be dealt with due to the scope of this essay.

Practical subjects in secondary schools such as music and sports may benefit a student's future career. Generally speaking, no one could tell in advance what career path a student will follow in the future. First, learning practical knowledge will provide students extra ability except the academic courses, especially to the students who have no talent in academic learning. These students may have more opportunity to accept the higher education or enter a better university. In this way, students can get the high qualifications and draw on this to enter a good company. Now that music-related and sports-related industries are among the most prosperous in the world, at least some students will find themselves eventually working in fields related to music or sports. Hadow(1987:99) came up with an idea that ‘The study of music ,rightly undertaken, can be of the highest education value.’Therefore, the music or sports lessons they had at school can help them with their jobs, even though they absolutely had no anticipation of this at school.

Moreover, the practical subjects always can cultivate students have a good temperament and it is an indispensable part for managing an effective secondary school education. If students are to achieve career-wise successes in the future, they need a lot more than what they can learn from academic subjects. Obviously they will also need to have an optimistic outlook on things, perseverance, the ability to co-operate with others and the courage to face competition. And the author Peter(1987:3) state that ‘We believe that the art offers a unique way of integrating and refining human understanding and that no curriculum can be complete in which it does not have a major place’. It is clear that art not only can entertainment people but also improve human ability. So, it is necessary to have the practical courses to schools. And setting up a good curriculum system is a factor of managing an effective school, but there are always have deviation between polices and practices. According to Peter and Pamela(1993:9) ‘We found that much of the variation between schools in their effects on pupils’ progress and development was explained by differences in policies and practices, and by certain given characteristics’. But there are many secondary schools even primary schools ignore the policies, to cancel the non-academic courses and extend length of academic courses, because they think the non-academic subjects is useless for students’ future development.

A possible concern is schools should just concentrate on teaching students academic subjects that will be useful for their future career, because they provide students with the knowledge they will need to pursue tertiary and vocational courses. It can be seen that the education system in Asian is believed that giving a lengthy school day to students is benefit to them to go to a better university (Zhou Zhuying, 2011: 115). Such courses offer students the opportunity to gain academic and professional qualifications which are often essential to finding good jobs. Practical courses such as sports and music is not useful and it will distract students and affect their academic performance. And a tutor at Cardiff School of Art Stuart Macdonald (1970:376) claim that ‘Art education can and does suffer from a limited interpretation of ART as being the dominant factor ’. However, practical courses are definitely useful for students. According to Rousseau’s pedagogy(1987:191), ‘... that was necessary to dispense with all past preconception of art and to start afresh with a ‘clean slate’.’ It can help students to discover their potential talents. A number of students are not good at academic course. Practical course can help students to discover their talent, and then concentrate on this area and success on it. For example, some students have talent in music, and they perform outstanding during the music class and the teacher will recognize their talents, and then students could pay more attention on music and concentrate on it. And then they may successful in that area. It conform with the individualized education concept and it has advantages for students finding a job which in line with their major. Therefore, the non-academic subjects such as music or sports lessons they had at school can help them with their jobs, even though they absolutely had no anticipation of this at school.

Some may argue that academic knowledge is the one and only basic condition to student to gain an opportunity to enter a good enterprise and more academic knowledge they have learned, more confidence they would have. Under the current education circumstance, most of high school students need to rely on the outstanding grades to enter the university. And they think companies only provide the high position to the people who have high academic qualifications. The highly educated talent always have enough confidence to show there opinion, because they have strong professional knowledge to support them. However, more and more large enterprise prefer to hire competent people than people only have a high academic qualifications. Even academic courses provide students with the knowledge they will need to pursue tertiary and vocational courses. Although such courses offer students the opportunity to gain academic and professional qualifications which are often essential to finding good jobs, in this way, people may not find self-confidence. People always have confidence on the things which they skilled. It means that school provide practical course is an essential way to help students who lack of self-confidence. Practical courses can help students who cannot learn academic well to find something they are good at and help them to find the direction of future operation.

To conclude, even the academic knowledge is useful to students, but practical courses play a vital role in cultivating students’ have a good temperament and have benefit in students’ future career. It provides students an opportunity to accept vocational education. About the changing focus on vocational education, the committee on Vocational Education Research and Development(1976:7) made a point “Vocational education is unique in a number of ways. It treats students as practitioners, preparing them for skilled entry-level jobs not requiring a baccalaureate”. Although some people argue that schools should just provide students academic subjects because it is more useful for their future career than non-academic subjects, practical subjects such as music, dance and sports would affect students’ academic performance, it will lead them to fail in the university entrance examination. They also think that academic courses is one and only condition to help students gain a good job. This claim is not fully evidence. However, while schools concentrate on teaching students academic knowledge, they definitely need to put practical courses on an important place in the curriculum provision and education system. Only in this way, schools could help students to see things from a more broad perspective and it can be equally valuable for the students' future career success. Nonetheless, if people who in the education industry change their mind about teaching students practical knowledge, and teacher improve their ability to find different students’ talent in different areas. Educating students according to their natural ability. It will help them to discover their talent and grow up as a confident person.

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Reference list:

  • GolbyMichael, Greenwald Jane, West Ruth (1975). Curriculum Design: London : Croom Helm for the Open University Press.
  • Preedy, Margaret (1993). Managing the effective school: London, Paul Chapman
  • Abbs Peter (1987). Living powers : the arts in education: London ; New York : Falmer Press
  • Zhou, Zhuying(2011). Taiwan education at the crossroad :When globalization meets localization, Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan.
  • Stuart Macdonald(1970), Abbs Peter (1987). Living powers : the arts in education: London ; New York : Falmer Press
  • National Research Council (U.S) Committee on Vocational Education Rearch and Development (1976). Assessing vocational education research and development: Washington: National Academic of Science.

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